(as told to Minal Hajratwala)
7:30AM – My cook arrives. Go to kitchen to supervise cooking of mutton, rice, daal, carrot. Gaze up lovingly at her.
Note to self: Do not bite the hand that feeds me. Even though it would taste so nice and muttony…
8:15AM – Nap #1 of 7.
9:00AM – Human awakes. Morning ablutions for all, followed by sunbathing.
9:45AM – Human leaves for work. Exiled to sky terrace. Paw at door in protest.
Note to self: Consider going on hunger strike, à la Gandhi?Note to self: Scratch that. Terrible idea.
10:00AM – Defend territory from birds, branches, strong gusts of winds, and occasional simians.
11:00AM – My maid arrives. Supervise sweeping and dusting. Bark vehemently if she tries to steal my toys or chew-bone.
Note to self: Servants cannot be trusted. Vigilantia Aeterna!
1:00PM – Nap #2 of 7, soon followed by Nap #3 of 7 and, shortly thereafter, Nap #4 of 7.
Note to self: Speak to groundskeeper about installing deck chairs and personal paddle pool.
In between – Attempt to escape. If successful, visit human's brother in 4th block. En route, visit smoothie dachshund on floor below. Sniff all over and mark territory. This block belongs to me!
Note to self: Ad victoriam!
4:00PM – Evening duty. Begin listening keenly for my human’s car. Run in circles. Stand at window and try to look out. Why is this window so high? Why does it have curtains anyway???!#$
5:00PM – Greet human. Begin daily exercise routine:Note to self: Prepare PowerPoint presentation for housing association Board about lowering all windows to dachshund height.
Lick human’s toes.Run up and down whole length of flat.Run in circles.Roll on tummy.Lick every available part of human.Don’t forget stretching: downward dog and upward dog asanas.
Lick own toes.
WHEW!Time for Nap #5 of 7.
6:00PM – Nudge human and look hungry. Look at bowl; look at human. Look at bowl; look at human. Repeat as necessary.
Supervise scooping of food into bowl.
Nap #6 of 7.
8:00PM – Human mealtime. Sit near table. Look hungry. Gaze at human and practice mind-control techniques: “Feed me… Feed me… Feed me…”
If non-veg, stand on hind legs and cry.
In extreme cases (KFC, mutton biryani), apply advanced barking techniques until human succumbs to mind control.
Note to self: Yum! Bones! Crunchy!
9:00PM – Nap #7 of 7.
11:00PM – Evening ablutions.
11:30pm – Finally, after long hard day’s work, climb into bed and get some rest. Supervise fluffing of pillows. Drift off to dreamland. Zzzzzzzz…!
A special note:Note to self: Adopting these humans was the best decision I ever made.
Champi would love our readers to check out her mama's publishing collective. It's a wonderful campaign. Thank you so much for following the link to The Great Indian Poetry Collective.
All photos this page -- of fabulous Ms. Champi -- are by Lakshmi Shubha.